Author: Miss Chioma

Child Abuse: I Am Innocent

Published by

I was barely twelve at the time. Mama had sent me to buy some food items. I remember what I wore that day; a short skirt but not so short and an oversized t-shirt. Mama never let me wear anything clingy because my body was slightly developed for a twelve-year old. I walked very quickly because Mama needed the items urgently. I was already close to the market when I reached in my pockets and realized I had forgotten the money Mama gave me. Disgruntled, I stood at the same spot for a few seconds cursing my forgetfulness. Just then, a motorcycle drove past me. The driver screamed, “Comot for road!” very loudly as he rode past. I made to quickly jump out of the road when a hand swept across the road and smacked me hard in the buttocks. I was dumbfounded. The man in the passenger seat of the bike had smacked my ass. I stood at the same spot trying to grasped what had just happened. Everyone seemed to not have noticed …

Motor no dey marry wife

Published by

This is not a very funny story but it’s an interesting one. My boyfriend had just broken up with me and my heart felt like it had been run over by a truck. While my heart was still lying crushed at the scene of the accident, I decided to treat the rest of my body to some roasted plantain and fish, you know, some soul food to lift my spirit. See also: Eat Pitakwa: Bole

Beamer, Benz and Bentley

Published by

The month of December every year saw the commencement of my annual laundry service. I started my business when I was 13 but it only came into its name the year I turned 18. Before I tell you the rather interesting story behind the name, I think it’s appropriate that I explained what my company does. Well, we cater to the laundry needs of two relatives; Uncle Jim and Uncle Pat. Yup, that’s it really. Every year on the month of December, my family joined my other relatives at our family house in Port Harcourt to celebrate the holidays. During that time, I and my brother did the laundry of my two richest uncles. Well, he did most of the washing and I, mostly did the pandering. Uncle Jim is a pharmacist in the US and Uncle Pat is an oil marketer in Warri. They have very little in common except that they are both rich. Uncle Pat is slightly richer though, but who’s counting. The interesting thing about these two men is; you could never …

Port Harcourt boy

Published by

I remember the very first time I heard a song by Duncan Mighty. It had been in my village, during our usual December return. My cousin had been washing one of my uncles’ car and playing music loudly while at it. The song had gone “wene oh wene oh weneohh”. Being a typical Lagos babe, I had gone “the f… is this village debacle”, sitting on my high horse and squeezing my nose. Well, that “village debacle” grew on me and became one of the best Afro pop songs I’d ever heard in my life.

Roasted plantain and fish

Published by

The smell of freshly caught fish filled the air as the women and children cut them up and cleaned them out. The young men by the fire had set up the grill and were ready to throw the wide-eyed fish onto the burning charcoal heat. Just beside them were women sitting on small wooden stools, diligently peeling the skin off big ripe bunches of plantain. The younger maidens were ready with the palm oil, tomato, pepper and the secret spices of their community. The drums started. Loud and glorious. The little boys ran amok with large frying pans to get in their places. It was time for the dance to begin. The horn went off and the women gave a loud cry. The cleaned out fish was held upside down to drip dry and then was thrown up in the air and grabbed by the young men by the grill. The catch was greeted by intense cheering as the women dipped into the bowl of fish again in a dance-like synchronization. The routine was repeated; …

P.H.D.

Published by

P.H.D = Port Harcourt Dickhead Victim = Me Now, I know you must be thinking, why so dramatic? I bet you’re rolling your eyes too. But just hear me out. I visited the city of Port Harcourt last month for an award’s ceremony. It was a great experience and I had the time of my life. I decided to stay back a couple more days, in the spirit of adventure. Day 1. I thought I’d go catch a movie, see how the ambience is in PH. So I did. Halfway into my movie, I felt a body bounce into the chair beside me. I turned around and saw a middle aged man, perhaps about 30, 35max. He introduced himself as Ebiere. He wasn’t exactly bad looking, dark skin and a beard to add that extra oomph. I smiled at him and we kicked off a conversation. He bought me dinner and yes, I had a great time. Day 2. Ebiere called me by 7am. I was on a vacation of sort so I was sleeping …